Thursday, April 30, 2009

Social Discomfort

The first thing anyone should know about me is this, I love engaging myself in social interaction and it takes a great deal of effort to upset me. I can carry a convo for a long period of time even if the subject has no relevance to anything important. (Than again which convo actually has a good purpose? Lol) Not a lot of things make me angry but if a person who I associate myself with exerts some of the characteristics I do not like, I may be irritated with them. This is what I call social discomfort - dealing with individuals who have made a negative mark on you.
Recently, I've noticed I have become socially irritated with some individuals who I have associated with. I don't like being in this state of "social discomfort" however, I don't see another option for me to take. I have noticed that some of these people have fake personalities, bad characteristics, and even annoying communication skills. For example, continuous gossip and overly dramatic story telling. I'm all up for the latest scoop on these drama filled lives, but not every second I hang out with you. Even gossiping around me gets on my nerves. I understand its a social skill to gossip but is it really so necessary to do it so often? I'm tired of hearing these stories of people I will never see and not even my ipod can drown out these voices. The worst part is when the other person actually thinks people want to hear these things. I'm not a mean person, but if you don't see any light on my face when engaged in a conversation that probably means I don't want to have it. Also, overly detailed dramatic stories. I don't need to get into that because I'm sure you can figure it out. Another major negative aspect I cannot put up with is conversations that deal with racism. If I hear any harsh remark to any race I will either tell you to your face that you need to stop or I will quietly zone out and ignore the next words out of your mouth. I can't believe I still hear racist remarks and it amazes me how people are okay with this kind of mentality. For those people here's a quick tip on how to grow up: Look around and notice you aren't the superior race in this country or the next. The superior race is mankind, get with the program.
On a socially positive note, I've met some new people at my school that I believe can give me the connection I have yet to make at college. My first semester was just that beginning experience but I don't think I've met friends who are like me in any way. I need some creative friends who are fun to be around, can share my humor, and actually live life. I believe I am finding these people now, better late than never in this semester.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Swine Up

Kat DeLuna should remix Wine Up with Swine Up. LOL. Another summer hit. So basically everyone is talking about this Swine Pandemic like it's the end of the world. I understand it's spreading faster than butter on bread but the main reason why it's such a big issue is because people are making it a big issue. We all need to just chill. I received about 10 emails from my school about Health precautions and stuff. I know they are just doing their jobs but they are also promoting chaos. I understand the CDC (Center for Disease Control) is working on this little issue and I hope they work faster than our 1981 AIDS issue. If anyone did any research on AIDS as of lately, the CDC didn't really act with the force they should have when AIDS entered the U.S. Go figure, when the population gets sick people start dying no body panics, but OH NO the economy is crashing let's act like crazy madmen. WHAT THE HELL?! These politicians and these so called people who look out for the general interest need to get their act together.

As you can tell I'm a little frustrated with the CDC and political figures. If you asked me why I couldn't give you a straight answer except this, the people of this world need more than a stimulus package or a pat on the back. For the students, including myself, I can say we need a little bit of a break after this economic crisis and tuition hikes. I feel like education lost its value. It's no longer who can last for four years scholastically, but who can afford it. As for the hard working blue and white collar men and women I think they need a break as well. People getting laid off left and right and families just unsure of their next meal. I remember always being excited to answer that one question everyone loves asking, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Now I have a dead stare and just think in the back of my mind that I hope to be better than I am now.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sleepless Nights

I lie awake most of the night. Staring into the calm portrait of the night. The highway at the end of the block seems like a runway of escape. Those late night individuals who have no worries of each day. They roam these streets in search of meaning. I can feel their pain. I have been locked up ever since I could remember. Mentally unstable, unable to understand things I should be able to comprehend. I only wish I could be lost out there. I want to become part of the night. I want to draw the images of mystery and than illuminate them in the sky. I'll wait for eternity to pass and see if any brave girl can come whisper the truths of these sleepless nights. She will be my savior, my one way ticket out of this prison.


Monday, April 27, 2009

Next Time...

When the world is on my side, I will have the strength to say: I want you in every way. To become my mentor, friend and obsession. For I have shelved the faces of the world in hope that one day I may say, "I have found true beauty on this day." This moment unravels that hope and uncoils the truth. I have found this beauty, and I couldn't make it stay. It expired with the sun and vanished without a trace. No milestone to catch, nor a goal to one day reach. Next time it won't be so harsh, for love works in mysterious ways. When the world is on my side, it will be you who saves me from my past.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Summer Days

I've been on this no limits mode lately. I'm pushing myself physically to 14-15 hours straight of sports and than a workout. I don't know what it is but I don't feel like spending so much time on the phone, home, or even on the computer. Thankfully school is almost over. I just want to have the feeling like I still have control of time; I lost it when school started.

Won the RFK handball tournament this year. Put money in my pocket playing one of the sports I love = priceless. This summer is going to be one hell of a workout. I've been hanging out with Steven and Kevin from Class of '08 almost every time I go to the park. When I'm there I feel like those times when we would go straight after class and play till we either couldn't stand anymore, or our hands bled dry. Those were the days, and they keep going. I saw Aldo and Taylor or Friday. It was nice seeing them. I was talking to Aldo about getting some old baseball games with the old RFK team. I think it would really be a cool reunion. We even mentioned wearing those green or black jerseys that we got. Lol I still have mine in my closet.

The new security guard at RFK didn't allow me to enter the school! Freakin guy man. He pissed me off. I still love rfk though. It's amazing how many people still know who I am. I walked in and got those "heyyyy it's Julian" comments. Lol I miss those kids. The one's who knew you for the positive things you did, not the negative ones. Those kids remember me from my handball days, and my artwork. No one remembers me for my bad junior year or my other errors. I like being known for my accomplishments. I got a nice welcome back on the handball court that day. It actually felt good. I'm off from school in May, so I now know where I'll be spending my June. Not with the kids who I need to chase down to chill with, but the kids who are already chilling. The kids who are on the courts and on the front stoop of the park.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Another Beginning

I have now begun my integration of art and photography. My new hobby is a mixture of my art and creativity. So far I'm getting good reviews from people. People had always told me my designs should be tattoos but I never really wanted to get into that kind of business. I still am not going to go into that business, however, I am going into body art. This is truly a difficult expression of art because it not only takes time but it also takes a different perspective. I'm ready for this challenge. Here's my first piece of the Photography/Body Art collabo.


Sunday, April 12, 2009


This is the time when life becomes challenging. When you have to look in the mirror and stare, not at the relfection, but reflecting upon the mirror. Who is this person looking at their self? Sometimes I believe it is not I who is looking into the mirror, but the world looking at me, me being the reflection. I have no special abilities, I am not the answwer to any question. I am just another person staring at the mirror trying to make out who he will become. Sometimes I can see myself doing great things, other times I see myself throwing it all away. Not a selfish toss of life, just a mere give up of importance. I find the most valuable things to be worthless. And little things become the biggest influence of my life. I would choose a kiss over wealth and love over health. Believe it or not I don't care about money. I don't want power becaause we all have it. Here we are in 2009, standing and living through years of chaos and war. That is power. Living is power. I don't want to be famous. To have my name plastered on walls or my picture in a google search engine. I would rather have the first page of a book to say Dedicated to my friend, Julian Cazares. That is being famous. To have friends who love you, and to respect you. I have that already. What I really want is to skip the decision of facing my self and go right into living my life. I want to wake up one morning and have my career and wife and that's all I really need. Everything previous to that day is a struggle. A struggle of choice. Who, what, when, where and why? At least I can say when I stare into the mirror, I am not afraid to say I don't know the answers to any of those questions.

However, I do know this. I have power, I have fame, and I am somebody. Time is the only thing preventing me from my stable living.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009


You know what gets me tight? People who don't finish conversations, but love starting them when they feel like it. It's no big deal but why the hell would anybody text or call someone to just leave 'em hanging with no responses? I hate that. A convo usually involves two people going back and forth with words until "iight ttyl, or peace" comes up. I understand people are busy but there is something called brb. Guess proper communication lost its value. Well anyways that grinds my gears. (Family Guy)

Bought my first CD today. Figured it's time to help out artists during this economic crisis. I bought the Keri Hilson CD. It's fire.

Now imma do an unnecessary draft for a paper I have to write. It's gonna be GREAT! (-_-)


Bye, Bye, Bye

I was cleaning my basement today and I did what most people do when they clean: played music. I went into itunes and pressed shuffle and went to work. Sometime later I hear some NSYNC songs and I said ": Daammmnnnnnnnnnn throwback ". Lol. It was pretty funny hearing the songs my sister would play over and over. I heard them more than my own mothers words. For real. Well anyways I was listening to their tracks and not for nothing, they got some pretty kickass beats. When I perform in the summer I'm including these songs in a collabo. Lol people will understand.

Some of my favorite dancing songs and songs you'll probably see me perform to are:

Shawty Get Loose
Scream (MJ)
I Feel Free (Ron Brownz)
TTB'z Anthem

Those are the hot ones at the moment. I know I'm missing a few but its 4 am, gimme a break. Gotta sleep soon, work in the morning!

CSTAR signed off.


P.S: I am in need of a Smiley A1 bacon egg and cheese with ketchup, side of Arizona.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

April Resurfacing

This is the beginning of spring vacation! I'm off now till April 20th and I have plenty to do. Main thing: Handball and Working Out. I've been keeping myself busy these last few days. Let go of most of the electronics for some outdoor/indoor life. I kinda miss life without all these shortcuts. I've grown a deep appreciation for those few who actually cherish the good ol' days. I miss those days. Anyways, it was my moms birthday on the 5th =D. She's getting old but doesn't even look it so congrats on the young look mamadukes =D. It's my grandparents anniversary in a couple weeks. It will be their 50th. =0. I love them, and I can't think about that ever changing.

School is pretty fun. I was revealed to some indoor handball courts in my school, this is where I now spend my time. I took over RFK (along with Steven Melara, and Kevin Le) and now I'm taking over Hunter. So far I'm 4-0. It's a good start. It was funny because today I realized I never lost a singles game at RFK. lol that's gotta be some kind of pride. =D. I think tomorrow imma sleep in, wake up, eat some Froot Loops, and just be out.

I need more PS3 buddies. lol...these games are getting harder. it's a good way to keep in touch.

Congrats to the New York Mets on their win. K-Rod doing his thing, I can respect that.

As for my Yankees, never expected them to win their away games. I want that opening day Victory. CC needs some work. It's okay though because my man Matsui hit a homerun. HOLLA.

Okay. Time to lay down. Long tiring day.



P.S.P.S - Tiffany I had a dream you asked me when my spring break started...don't know if it was real or not but It starts NOW!