Critical Period

For the first time in my life I'm truly scared of the events to come. I don't want to say that lately I've been putting up a front but I have been going through some things that I just want to keep to myself. That may call to question as to why am I talking about it if I'm not going to speak of it, the answer is because as a writer sometimes just venting is the cure for anything. I don't know how to handle the situations that have been brought to my attention. I actually still can't believe this is happening to me. Guess there's no such thing as a steady happiness. I'm scared to one day wake up in an empty house, cold and emotionless. Lately I find myself doing the things I love with the people I love but it isn't enough. It is truly a critical time for me, with mixed emotions and just a feeling falling into this deep pit. Not to mention people judging me for who I am, but I won't let a stupid thing like judgment effect me, those types of people deserve nothing from me. I ask those who care not to give me sympathy, and those who yearn to help to not show me empathy. It's not that I'm a cold hearted person but this is just something I must handle on my own. The future is now my enemy, I'm keeping my hobbies as close as possible hopefully they can shield me from this fate that is bound to happen. I just wish it wouldn't. I wish this would all go away. I may not blog as much, but I won't give up either. I'm not prepared to throw everything away even if the things I love are being taken from me. I am here, I have power, and I will try. I face hard times but I guess that's just growing up. I never expected it to be this bad though, sometimes I wish people could one day understand that little fights and games mean nothing when the big drama comes in. I hope for those who still live in their fantasy lands of ignorance and close minds will soon enter reality and understand that we do have to grow up, at least most of us. I know it's hard to try and understand my feelings because you don't know what is going on in my life but I do not wish to share this information. It's a way of safeguarding myself. Let's see if I can look in the mirror and tell myself I'm bound to be successful. Many of my close friends and family believe I have what it takes but when I look around at all that I have I see nothing. I'm destined for a path in which I have to make a choice. I hope this won't be now because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. I'm aiming for great but I'm being weighed down by loss. I want to find the person who said "things get harder before they get better" so I can spit in their face. You cursed me into a life that will ALWAYS get harder.

P.S.- I love the both of you.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress