Encountering a Shock (Personal Essay)

The term “culture shock” describes the difficult and sometimes disturbing experience of encountering different beliefs, customs, or practices in the process of moving from one culture to another. Although this may not be a popular experience for many, it does happen. In my own personal life, I have experienced this phenomenon at a young age when I first arrived in New York and had to face unexpected changes in my own culture.
I was born in Los Angeles, California and immediately moved to Puerto Rico due to the separation of my biological parents. Even though I was born in the United States, I was too young to make its’ customs and traditions my own. Instead, I became familiar with the Puerto Rican culture, including traditions, lifestyle, and even habits. It is noteworthy to add that the separation of my parents had a great effect on which culture I would become familiar with, for my Father was Mexican and my Mother was Puerto Rican. Both my sister and I went with my Mother and because of this; I was raised by my Puerto Rican side of the family. After years in Puerto Rico, my family moved to New York where I would encounter a “culture shock.”
My life in Puerto Rico and my new life in New York were in no way similar, and unfortunately, this caused some issues. I had become accustomed to my lifestyle in Puerto Rico, the noisy sounds of the forest wildlife, not having to wear shoes to run in the streets, beautiful weather all year round, even getting sick was different in New York. In Puerto Rico my grandmother was the family nurse, growing her own herbs and medicines in the garden in the backyard. In New York there was no such garden; in its replacement were needles and pharmaceutical drugs. Our family became quite different once we moved from culture to culture. Losing my medicine garden and my loud forest didn’t have that much of an effect on my life, however, losing our sense of “family” did.
Family life in Puerto Rico revolved around a strong connection and good communication. We ate meals together, confided in one another, and told each other stories, hung out with each other, essentially all aspects of life revolved around family. In New York, family traditions were much different. The family became separated and communication levels dropped. At first I couldn’t understand why the family oriented life we once shared fell apart, and then I realized it was because of our new lifestyle. New York was a fast paced city and there was not as much time for the family life we had in Puerto Rico. Time slipped away from every family member, whether it would be work, transportation, deadlines, and other things we never had in Puerto Rico. My initial reaction to this was anger and confusion. I felt emotionally frustrated not being able to confide in any family member and I found myself keeping most of my problems to myself. Looking back at this, I remember how difficult it was to replace a lifestyle. I no longer feel anger or confusion; however, I still have difficulty expressing myself to others, especially my family members.
Experiencing a “culture shock” was a true test of my mental endurance and I would not want to experience another. A tradition should never have to change once it has found its place in the heart of an individual. It should never be forced out and replaced because of the damaging effect this can have on a person. This cultural shift, that has long-lasting negative effects on the heart and mind, is what I like to describe as a “culture shock” I’ve endured it, and I carry it with me, every day since my encounter.

-J.Cazares

Choice

The option of my succession,
Acknowledged through everyday life,
The sight, the smell, the taste,
Obtained through experience,
I can feel the passion burning through my chest,
I can hear the voice of my own victory,
This victory over my own corrupted decisions,
The one's that left me crippled in my senses,
This great option before me,
With long hair and a deep glowing smile,
A pair of eyes to stare away figuritive nightmares,
A healing glance that has won me over.
I can no longer accept that there is an escaping route,
No bid farewell to a sensational emotion,
It could be exactly what I crave,
The fulfillment of my desires,
The fuel to burn a hole right through my expressions,
I scribble away thoughts of a chance I imagine,
A dedicated submission into a single opposition,
A surrender of my love to a single option,
Daydreams are my tool for reinactment,
Another chance to relive the great moments I experience,
Just a fool chasing the sun,
To end up following the moon,
To feel the warmth of a smile in the morning,
And the possible cold chill throughout the night,
The sky is the danger I must face,
To accept what is before me or to turn fast,
To run through the morning,
Or hide under a star filled night sky,
The stars that peer down at men and judge,
Calling out what chances we have,
Persuading our chances even if they are to fail,
In this instance I'll reside in the morning,
And take my chances at night,
I'll take this option before me,
I'll seek an untangled emotion,
Rooted to the ground for both day and night,
I'll take my chances.-

-J.Cazares

Xpress (Poetic Update)

Each second of expired time vanishes into a distant memory.
A thousand memories for that one person,
which vanishes with another timely expiration.
Time is the essential villain of forgetful actions,
tied underneath the legs,
gripping with a hard grasp.
It's never easy to escape a thought,
never easy to break free from thAt grasp.
Forever bound to the ocean floor,
yearning for the morning light.
Darkness haunts the memory lane,
with the tic of time on the outskirts of the mind.
The clock strikes each hour,
and each hour our transition becomes less and less obvious.
Where did the memories vanish?
The solemn hope thAt began so long ago is now just a silent trace,
forgotten everyday, gone in every way.
Time is not on the side of the one who is forgotten.
The one who lies on the floorbed of time,
chained to the errors and the faults that they never had.
The good used to perish young,
now they perish through time.
Never easy to perish,
never easy to be bound helplessly on a stopwatch of never ending time,
the course of which they can never fully control.
That is the expression of a single thought,
and this is the expression of a single memory.

Business Website

I've been spending most of my hours trying to make a website for URBAN DEZINE. It's a lot harder than I thought, mainly because I'm not so familiar with web designing. Support me bloggers =D...I know I can take this somewhere new.

I'm actually getting a lot of comments and requests for designs so I'm looking forward to this creative era of mine. Let's see how far this will go.

This website is : www.urbandezine.yolasite.com
Check it out! And give me some feedback =D

-J.Cazares

Express

The world of expression never found my street. I never held it in my arms, or kissed it goodnight. Expression may be the kryptonite to my very existence yet it lurks in the shadows waiting for my acceptance. I don't know what holds me back from entering this phase. It could be self doubt, or maybe I just lack the necessities. I think my childhood had a lot to do with my bottled up emotions. With no father to sit on or throw my burderns upon. Mom was working and gave me the love I needed for both parents. I had a sister but at that age you don't get along with one another. My only real father figure (which would be my grandfather) didn't speak english that well and I was losing my spanish. Friends didn't care about problems and girls made me too nervous. With everything attacking me at once I found myself learning to maintain my emotions alone. No late night phone calls with my best friend, or a pat on the back from a friend. I would've liked that so many times, but it never happened. I face it everyday, the idea that I can't speak my mind with the force that I want to. I'm always hiding behind my own face, deep under my skin.

Expression, I wish I knew what it meant. To me its just a phase I can't step into.

-Julian Cazares

Mass Production

I'm slowly jumping back into the blogging lifestyle. Now that school is creeping back into my schedule I will find myself on the computer more, and thus, blogging. August 28th is a big day for me. I start my semester fresh, new friends new classes, and most importantly to me: the opening of my little business. I like to consider myself to be a creative person, however, I don't find boasting about your life to be something "worth" time. I keep my work on low radar because if everyone had it, it wouldn't be distinct. Now that I've expanded my creativity to a certain extent I believe it is time to come out of that force barrier and start producing my designs and printing my photographs. The company is called DeZine, simple and to the point. I do intend to hire some people who I believe to be the best at what they do, but for now I'm alone. DeZine is a Fashion/Photography company that specializes in sneaker designs, body art, tattoo designs, and photo shoots. I'm currently working on a website but for now I'll be creating a new blog site for my products and new creations ONLY. I'll keep it open for criticism because that's what motivates me =D.

For the time being, if you would like to request any of the aforementioned, you can contact me via email: jcazares21@gmail.com or by texting my cell: 718-924-3025.

Motto: If you have the vision, I'll show it to the world.

Julian Cazares
Urban DeZine

Poetry Update (Welcome Back)

This much I know, the truth behind the deleted scenes, the rhymes mixed with the bleeding dreams, I can hear them screaming of this mess, I can see them failing on this test. Chaos has embarked within our minds, lifting off into desire, haunting our streets of life, depriving us of what we admire. Where did we make the wrong turn? Who lit the match to make us all burn? This overgrowing flame deep within our spine, this overbearing pain scarring a new design. The silent whispers have increased, the ones we looked up to are now deceased, fallen kings on every channel, memorials taken place, surrounded by candles, the world has dressed in black, the future has decided to take a trip back, to when things were harder and we had to find our way, if only we listened to what the world had to say.

-Julian Cazares

Free Write

Where am I going? A question that ceases to escape from my thoughts. Like a note stapled to my vision to remind me in plain sight that I need to find an answer. The solution isnt so simple, for the equation of life's decisions create a world of complex routes. I stand in front of a road that never has a straight path. It has no stop signs or street lights. It's an endless twist of turns and dead ends. I find myself walking with confusion, my mind creating doubt and worshiping hope. Hope for what? Is it really so difficult to find yourself in life? I found that answer to be yes. Along my path there are no mirrors, there's no time to stop and ponder over my actions. Each second I waste is another second I'll never possess. Time goes too quickly to worry about what is the "best choice." My decisions are based on instinct, like the wild animals mankind has yet to create labels for. There are no guidelines for the future, no exclusion from any choice you desire. The fact that remains is there are no helping hands when it comes to yourself. In my mind no one can show me the way, no one can light up the dark clouds that shatter my optimism.

The only thing we have as independent minds of this world, are our decisions and our path. In my sights I have a sign saying Where am I going?  In my mind I have the answer, "Wherever I want."

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

It's Over Now

Appropriate title for the ending of my freshmen year in college. I have to admit it was pretty fun. It was a lil more work than high school and I definitely spent more hours awake than asleep, however, it was fun nonetheless. I met plenty of people who I consider my friends now at school, which is different since I usually start making friends my softmore year in a new school. Like I've said in previous posts I haven't met anyone who I'm truly connecting with, HOWEVER, I may have recently found a pair of those! One of them is my new handball partner (gotta have one at any school) and the other is my newest friend, and one I consider to be closest to me in similarity. We made our schedules together lol, it was pretty funny considering we met like a week ago. That just shows you don't need to spend years with someone to be cool. That's how asians and spanish ppl roll!

So school is out. Now I work and sleep and work and sleep. Sounds good to me. Ill be spending some time at rfk to try and finish Huggins board and I'm confident that I will! And I'm already looking forward to my Fall semester =D. Farewell Hunter, hello Summer!

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Finish Line

So close, yet, so far. I can see it right there on my calendar but these days aren't flying like the other ones. I know I can do it, I just want it to be done already. I actually always loved school, but this year has been one of those years where I need a nice break. Not a 2 week vacation, I need a month at minimum. I'm ready to work all summer, and I'm definitely for my days off from school. Lol. Two essays and a math exam to go. All in one night. Tonight is a Red Bull/Monster night filled with procrastination, Facebook, AIM and basically staying away from the things I should be doing =D. Hahaha that's the CSTAR way.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Cellular Era

I love technology =D. So now I blog on my phone, twitter on my phone, upload photos on my phone, set up events on my phone, search the web, buy stuff, call people, basically do everything on my phone. Lol life is simple =). Too bad my phone can't take my exams but than again great news!: because I did so well on my other exams I don't have to take any of my finals because I get to drop my lowest grade =). Congrats to JUELZ!!!! Hahaha all I gotta do now is 2 essays and I'm done =). Bring on those summer nights. J.Cazares CstarExpress

My Love Life

As interesting as the details may be I found that certain songs explain it better than I do. For instance, Don't Wanna Be in Love by Good Charlotte. I could've written this song by how much I can relate to it. Than there's Said & Done by V8. Moving Mountains by Usher. Brand New - Drake. This list goes on and on and while I'm listening to these songs I couldn't help but to realize we relate to music almost everyday. I think that's why most of us listen to it. Dancers listen to them for the beats. People listen to them for some sort of comfort that others feel just as they do sometimes. It's some next level psychology treatment.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Shoot Me Down

I am at the mercy of Cupid. I actually want him to light me up after what happened to me Monday. Lol. It was perfect. Not too much, not too little. The exchange of innocent smiles, none of that doubt or negativity. It was the return of the smile that made it stick in my head. Makes me feel like I'm back in high school, only I'm in college so what does this mean? Who knows. All I know is when I go back and see her again I'm getting shot down. Call in backup, send support, and report a Black Hawk Down. =D

On a sidenote, Little Big Planet (Video game for the PS3) is my new addiction. VERY fun game. I gotta say thanks to David for what he did the other day. And it was crazy because we went to the movies, along with Cathy, and saw Wolverine. That movie was FIRE. lol FIRE. At some point during the previews, a bag full of Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers passed by and we all took one. I don't know who bought them but THANKS lol. Definitely felt like those RFK days. Slowly but surely I'm starting to have them again. =D

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Music Therapy

You come home from a hard day at work, a stressful day at school, or even a bad loss on a sports team. Not the most remarkable feelings in the world, but probably the most frequent of any. Different people deal with these situations differently. If you aren't a fan of music (which i believe would be highly unusually considering what era we live in) than this doesn't apply to you.
If you love music than you know the power it may possess if used properly. I've asked some people what they thought and for these people music either heals the soul, sparks creativity, or relaxes the mind. With answers like these I would assume they are in some psychological stage while listening to music. So I propose this cognitive approach for my psychology majors: Music Therapy. Simple, yet it has drastic results. I personally use music to motivate me in anything I'm about to do. If it's sports I play a little bit of rock to pump me up and I always finish off with Sweet Child O' Mine by Appetite for Destruction. If I want to relax and just sooth my mind I play bachata which is mainly Aventura songs and some Charlie Za. For studying I play instrumentals to slow r&b songs. I think songs that have lyrics become too distracting while studying because one second trying to remember the definition of a term and the next second I'm singing the damn song playing. It doesn't exactly help the situation, especially in my case since I'm easily distracted and I can't stay focused for a long period of time =). When i day dream I like listening to hip hop music. I do this because I envision how people would dance to this song and that usually gives me some good ideas.
Music Therapy may be better than popping pills. The next time you have one of those days put in a cd, turn on the ipod, or even turn on the music channel and try and give music a chance. I'd first suggest to write down when you use music and what music you listen to for each situation. This can help out so you dont have to press shuffle. Give it a try and let me know what happens.
On a side note, if you are a writter/blogger music is the primary motivation for any piece of work. 99% of songs are words, 1% instrumental. If you love writing than you love music so don't shut it down. Music is dying in the world! Revive it.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Social Discomfort

The first thing anyone should know about me is this, I love engaging myself in social interaction and it takes a great deal of effort to upset me. I can carry a convo for a long period of time even if the subject has no relevance to anything important. (Than again which convo actually has a good purpose? Lol) Not a lot of things make me angry but if a person who I associate myself with exerts some of the characteristics I do not like, I may be irritated with them. This is what I call social discomfort - dealing with individuals who have made a negative mark on you.
Recently, I've noticed I have become socially irritated with some individuals who I have associated with. I don't like being in this state of "social discomfort" however, I don't see another option for me to take. I have noticed that some of these people have fake personalities, bad characteristics, and even annoying communication skills. For example, continuous gossip and overly dramatic story telling. I'm all up for the latest scoop on these drama filled lives, but not every second I hang out with you. Even gossiping around me gets on my nerves. I understand its a social skill to gossip but is it really so necessary to do it so often? I'm tired of hearing these stories of people I will never see and not even my ipod can drown out these voices. The worst part is when the other person actually thinks people want to hear these things. I'm not a mean person, but if you don't see any light on my face when engaged in a conversation that probably means I don't want to have it. Also, overly detailed dramatic stories. I don't need to get into that because I'm sure you can figure it out. Another major negative aspect I cannot put up with is conversations that deal with racism. If I hear any harsh remark to any race I will either tell you to your face that you need to stop or I will quietly zone out and ignore the next words out of your mouth. I can't believe I still hear racist remarks and it amazes me how people are okay with this kind of mentality. For those people here's a quick tip on how to grow up: Look around and notice you aren't the superior race in this country or the next. The superior race is mankind, get with the program.
On a socially positive note, I've met some new people at my school that I believe can give me the connection I have yet to make at college. My first semester was just that beginning experience but I don't think I've met friends who are like me in any way. I need some creative friends who are fun to be around, can share my humor, and actually live life. I believe I am finding these people now, better late than never in this semester.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Swine Up

Kat DeLuna should remix Wine Up with Swine Up. LOL. Another summer hit. So basically everyone is talking about this Swine Pandemic like it's the end of the world. I understand it's spreading faster than butter on bread but the main reason why it's such a big issue is because people are making it a big issue. We all need to just chill. I received about 10 emails from my school about Health precautions and stuff. I know they are just doing their jobs but they are also promoting chaos. I understand the CDC (Center for Disease Control) is working on this little issue and I hope they work faster than our 1981 AIDS issue. If anyone did any research on AIDS as of lately, the CDC didn't really act with the force they should have when AIDS entered the U.S. Go figure, when the population gets sick people start dying no body panics, but OH NO the economy is crashing let's act like crazy madmen. WHAT THE HELL?! These politicians and these so called people who look out for the general interest need to get their act together.

As you can tell I'm a little frustrated with the CDC and political figures. If you asked me why I couldn't give you a straight answer except this, the people of this world need more than a stimulus package or a pat on the back. For the students, including myself, I can say we need a little bit of a break after this economic crisis and tuition hikes. I feel like education lost its value. It's no longer who can last for four years scholastically, but who can afford it. As for the hard working blue and white collar men and women I think they need a break as well. People getting laid off left and right and families just unsure of their next meal. I remember always being excited to answer that one question everyone loves asking, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Now I have a dead stare and just think in the back of my mind that I hope to be better than I am now.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Sleepless Nights

I lie awake most of the night. Staring into the calm portrait of the night. The highway at the end of the block seems like a runway of escape. Those late night individuals who have no worries of each day. They roam these streets in search of meaning. I can feel their pain. I have been locked up ever since I could remember. Mentally unstable, unable to understand things I should be able to comprehend. I only wish I could be lost out there. I want to become part of the night. I want to draw the images of mystery and than illuminate them in the sky. I'll wait for eternity to pass and see if any brave girl can come whisper the truths of these sleepless nights. She will be my savior, my one way ticket out of this prison.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Next Time...

When the world is on my side, I will have the strength to say: I want you in every way. To become my mentor, friend and obsession. For I have shelved the faces of the world in hope that one day I may say, "I have found true beauty on this day." This moment unravels that hope and uncoils the truth. I have found this beauty, and I couldn't make it stay. It expired with the sun and vanished without a trace. No milestone to catch, nor a goal to one day reach. Next time it won't be so harsh, for love works in mysterious ways. When the world is on my side, it will be you who saves me from my past.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Summer Days

I've been on this no limits mode lately. I'm pushing myself physically to 14-15 hours straight of sports and than a workout. I don't know what it is but I don't feel like spending so much time on the phone, home, or even on the computer. Thankfully school is almost over. I just want to have the feeling like I still have control of time; I lost it when school started.

Won the RFK handball tournament this year. Put money in my pocket playing one of the sports I love = priceless. This summer is going to be one hell of a workout. I've been hanging out with Steven and Kevin from Class of '08 almost every time I go to the park. When I'm there I feel like those times when we would go straight after class and play till we either couldn't stand anymore, or our hands bled dry. Those were the days, and they keep going. I saw Aldo and Taylor or Friday. It was nice seeing them. I was talking to Aldo about getting some old baseball games with the old RFK team. I think it would really be a cool reunion. We even mentioned wearing those green or black jerseys that we got. Lol I still have mine in my closet.

The new security guard at RFK didn't allow me to enter the school! Freakin guy man. He pissed me off. I still love rfk though. It's amazing how many people still know who I am. I walked in and got those "heyyyy it's Julian" comments. Lol I miss those kids. The one's who knew you for the positive things you did, not the negative ones. Those kids remember me from my handball days, and my artwork. No one remembers me for my bad junior year or my other errors. I like being known for my accomplishments. I got a nice welcome back on the handball court that day. It actually felt good. I'm off from school in May, so I now know where I'll be spending my June. Not with the kids who I need to chase down to chill with, but the kids who are already chilling. The kids who are on the courts and on the front stoop of the park.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Another Beginning

I have now begun my integration of art and photography. My new hobby is a mixture of my art and creativity. So far I'm getting good reviews from people. People had always told me my designs should be tattoos but I never really wanted to get into that kind of business. I still am not going to go into that business, however, I am going into body art. This is truly a difficult expression of art because it not only takes time but it also takes a different perspective. I'm ready for this challenge. Here's my first piece of the Photography/Body Art collabo.




J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Face-Off

This is the time when life becomes challenging. When you have to look in the mirror and stare, not at the relfection, but reflecting upon the mirror. Who is this person looking at their self? Sometimes I believe it is not I who is looking into the mirror, but the world looking at me, me being the reflection. I have no special abilities, I am not the answwer to any question. I am just another person staring at the mirror trying to make out who he will become. Sometimes I can see myself doing great things, other times I see myself throwing it all away. Not a selfish toss of life, just a mere give up of importance. I find the most valuable things to be worthless. And little things become the biggest influence of my life. I would choose a kiss over wealth and love over health. Believe it or not I don't care about money. I don't want power becaause we all have it. Here we are in 2009, standing and living through years of chaos and war. That is power. Living is power. I don't want to be famous. To have my name plastered on walls or my picture in a google search engine. I would rather have the first page of a book to say Dedicated to my friend, Julian Cazares. That is being famous. To have friends who love you, and to respect you. I have that already. What I really want is to skip the decision of facing my self and go right into living my life. I want to wake up one morning and have my career and wife and that's all I really need. Everything previous to that day is a struggle. A struggle of choice. Who, what, when, where and why? At least I can say when I stare into the mirror, I am not afraid to say I don't know the answers to any of those questions.

However, I do know this. I have power, I have fame, and I am somebody. Time is the only thing preventing me from my stable living.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

WTH?

You know what gets me tight? People who don't finish conversations, but love starting them when they feel like it. It's no big deal but why the hell would anybody text or call someone to just leave 'em hanging with no responses? I hate that. A convo usually involves two people going back and forth with words until "iight ttyl, or peace" comes up. I understand people are busy but there is something called brb. Guess proper communication lost its value. Well anyways that grinds my gears. (Family Guy)

Bought my first CD today. Figured it's time to help out artists during this economic crisis. I bought the Keri Hilson CD. It's fire.

Now imma do an unnecessary draft for a paper I have to write. It's gonna be GREAT! (-_-)

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Bye, Bye, Bye

I was cleaning my basement today and I did what most people do when they clean: played music. I went into itunes and pressed shuffle and went to work. Sometime later I hear some NSYNC songs and I said ": Daammmnnnnnnnnnn throwback ". Lol. It was pretty funny hearing the songs my sister would play over and over. I heard them more than my own mothers words. For real. Well anyways I was listening to their tracks and not for nothing, they got some pretty kickass beats. When I perform in the summer I'm including these songs in a collabo. Lol people will understand.

Some of my favorite dancing songs and songs you'll probably see me perform to are:

Shawty Get Loose
Lollipop
Scream (MJ)
Thriller
Touch
I Feel Free (Ron Brownz)
TTB'z Anthem
Forever

Those are the hot ones at the moment. I know I'm missing a few but its 4 am, gimme a break. Gotta sleep soon, work in the morning!

CSTAR signed off.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

P.S: I am in need of a Smiley A1 bacon egg and cheese with ketchup, side of Arizona.

April Resurfacing

This is the beginning of spring vacation! I'm off now till April 20th and I have plenty to do. Main thing: Handball and Working Out. I've been keeping myself busy these last few days. Let go of most of the electronics for some outdoor/indoor life. I kinda miss life without all these shortcuts. I've grown a deep appreciation for those few who actually cherish the good ol' days. I miss those days. Anyways, it was my moms birthday on the 5th =D. She's getting old but doesn't even look it so congrats on the young look mamadukes =D. It's my grandparents anniversary in a couple weeks. It will be their 50th. =0. I love them, and I can't think about that ever changing.

School is pretty fun. I was revealed to some indoor handball courts in my school, this is where I now spend my time. I took over RFK (along with Steven Melara, and Kevin Le) and now I'm taking over Hunter. So far I'm 4-0. It's a good start. It was funny because today I realized I never lost a singles game at RFK. lol that's gotta be some kind of pride. =D. I think tomorrow imma sleep in, wake up, eat some Froot Loops, and just be out.

I need more PS3 buddies. lol...these games are getting harder. lol..plus it's a good way to keep in touch.

Congrats to the New York Mets on their win. K-Rod doing his thing, I can respect that.

As for my Yankees, never expected them to win their away games. I want that opening day Victory. CC needs some work. It's okay though because my man Matsui hit a homerun. HOLLA.

Okay. Time to lay down. Long tiring day.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

P.S. - I RLLY RLLY RLLY WANT A HAMSTER BUT MY CAT WON'T ALLOW IT =/

P.S.P.S - Tiffany I had a dream you asked me when my spring break started...don't know if it was real or not but It starts NOW!

iBrush Off

I hate people sometimes.
True Story.
It's the ungrateful ones that get on my nerves.
The ones who only look out for themselves.
The ones who don't care about anything.
They just live for a better cause.
Even if it means ignoring the faithful bystanders.
They won't say thanks.
They won't say please.
They just expect and seek more and more pleasure.
Egocentric minds are supposed to go away at a certain point.
I guess Piagets' cognitive analysis was wrong.
Some people never go beyond their own minds.
Some just always want to act reckless.
They want attention.
And of course they will never admit this.
W.E though,
people like me learn to ignore people like that,
brush them aside like unwanted residue,
and continue our lives.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

POST #50 - FOR P.I.C

This goes out to the new 19 year kid on the block JAM YOUNG! Congratulations man, another year taken and I know you won't stop here. You got me on this blogging thing and I already planned on saving this 50 for you. Lol by the way my message actually fit with the song! lol it was hot man good job. Iight soooo I was going to tell you, when you get all famous, don't forget about me. lol. And when you are on tour i better get that back stage pass lol, no joke. I'll fight someone for it. Well neways man I hope you have a great day, I'll give you a call (another one lol.) Anyways, we gotta get a soko you already know the deallll. And when you turn 21 we taking over the world. lol true story man. College won't separate us and after that nothing can. P.I.C for life kid, the brother i should've had but it's all good cuz I met you along the way. I probably would've regretted a lot of my hs experience if I didn't befriend you, and it was one of the best things I ever did. Keep doing what you do man, and dont let anything stop you..I know you're better than that anyone.

iight man have a good 1. Love you kid. PEACE
p.s. = did carrie say happy birthday you punk? lol i wasnt sure but it sure as hell sounded like her.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

*Dedicated

Poetry Update III - 3.22.09

The silent whispers of the night,
Follow me all the home,
Haunting my moral standards,
Reminding me of horrid thoughts.
Awakening the challenge of life,
To face who I have become,
To comprehend my own actions,
And accept that I am the only one.
No sleep for my eyes tonight,
I reside in eternal insomnia,
To be able to hear the walls speak,
So that in the end my ears bleed.
The fog climbs through the window,
Preparing to consume my mind,
To patronize my heart,
And leave me echoing more painful thoughts.
I scream for morning to come,
The sun becoming my savior,
Chasing away these images,
Hiding them in darkness.
The night has stood up against me,
Making sure I always fall victim,
To collapse within my own visions,
To become fragile and exposed.
And there is no defense for things you can't see,
Just more screams for evening to leave.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Poetry Update II - 3.22.09

She appears before me once more,
The coldest figure of my thoughts,
The type to always turn their back,
To leave you alone without sanity.

Through my lens she is different,
The type you always wanted,
Her true self nowhere to be seen,
Her smile bringing out the beauty she cannot keep.
She lives in a split universe,
Once consumed by her wretched personality,
The other a sacrifice to ART,
To become a portrait of falsehood.

Her motives are unknown,
I don't understand her presence,
She shifts into different forms,
And never allows for permanent change.

When the lens comes down she is a dead stare,
Lights up a cigarette,
Intertwines with the ashes,
Becoming the smoke she exhales.
Vanishing from existence.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Poetry Update - 3.22.09

No final sentence without a beginning,
Each word expressed has its own meaning,
To write is to spill out entangled thoughts,
To unlock imagination itself,
Because not everyone is free,
Most are prisoners of fate,
Chained to containment.

My mind has been concealed,
Bound by the structure of chaos,
Following the rules of the shadows,
A life of dark-faded figures.
Shattered portraits of hope,
A world devoted to seeking something else,
To obtain a better phase,
To become someone more.

This moment begins my transmutation,
My genetic code changing within,
Shedding the dark shadows of my mind,
Becoming free of this weight.
Replacing the broken frames,
Giving hope a settled place,
Becoming the someone I can be,
Becoming the real me.
This is the beginning.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Motive for Action

[Intro.] In my lifetime four people have given me the motivation to take my art and strive for more. It might have been a mix of the comments, or the continuous compliments that made me feel that much better about myself. Regardless of the reason I have become thankful for having these people in my life. I wouldn't imagine myself a washed up artist who lost his talent, instead I am prospering in my time and actually moving forward. Recently, I added a fifth person to the original list. The fantastic four were Jonathan Martinez, Tiffany Chung, Esther Yang, and Michelle Rosado. Number five is Audrey Ong.

[Stop.Explain.] The reasons for this admission to these few people is because I never really took into account how she viewed my art. Today she text me saying she was the art editor of her magazines class and she wants to use me for an interview/article. It's impressive what kind of fashion junkey (good way) this girl has become. I remember her fashion club was pretty cool even though I didnt attend all sessions. Anyways I always considered Audrey to be on the top of the artist chain. She is just determined to come face to face with the goddess of art and just take her throne. Seriously. Well anyway, I feel somewhat honored that she wants to use me for her magazine. I get to submit artwork, photography, an interview, and some poetry. Tuesday I'm meeting her at the 5 points building to take some profile pics next to grafitti. I'm looking forward to it. So, I thank you Audrey, 1. For noticing my own personal artistic abilities, and 2. Because you've motivated me to push my art even further.

[Resident Evil 5.] Hottest game I've played in a really long time. I beat it on all 4 difficulty levels and I got all the weapons. I pretty much beasted on the game, still not done though. Everyone in the world needs to play this game, seriously.

[Weather.] Today, I almost wanted to cry because of how nice it was outside. Lol, like it was amazing. I took my jacket off outside! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WHAT FEELS LIKE YEARS! HOLLLLLAAAAAA!! Well yeah, I hope it keeps getting warmer and warmer.

[Conclusion.] I'm ready for some photo shop, free writing, and then sleep. PEACE. Thanks again to those five who keep my art going =D.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

iPlay.

[Intro.] I got resident evil 5 and that game is just the hottest game I have played in a long time. I haven't beat it yet but I am satisfied to the max with what it has offered so far. It has interactive environments, smart AI,fun bosses, amazing graphics, awesome cut scenes...need I say more?

[Currently.] At the doctors (eye) waiting for my appointment. I need a new prescription and I'm getting another pair of glasses, (old Julian?) Lol. I am in desperate need of some new contact. I'm sitting in a typical doctors office, waiting for my name to be called and watching what different people do while they wait. My primary focus is on this young brother and sister who keep reminding me of my sister and I. They are about 4-5 and are talking about the "proper way to fight." Lol. They look like they are having fun, which is the least I can say for the dude sleeping next to me. Lol

[Catherine Medina.] I saw her yesterday, lol random? She works at gamestop now! That's pretty funny. Now I have 4 friends who work at gamestop. Definitely getting HOOK-UPS. I love you cathy =).

[D-reyes] Hooked me up again yesterday with a game. Thanks man, appreciate the good samaritan act =D.

[Females.] There is a girl who I keep making eye contact with who looks like she should get outta the doctors office and just join a modeling agency. Lol. Seriously, she is beautiful. Maybe if I wait long enough ill go over there and give her a personal photo shoot.

[Some Time Later...] I got out of the doctors. Ordered new contacts and new glasses lol. I'm saved! Going to go eat some really good food, go home, play resident evil 5, and then pass out. =) latazzz

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

iWrite.

[Poetry Update]
Would you allow it? -
The realization of your darkest desires,
Your thirst for more control,
The corruption of your inner child.
Could you sacrifice selfishness,
Or become a victim of its meaning,
Spreading poisonous kisses of intimacy,
Becoming crazed in this very feeling.
Only the evil can fulfill such actions,
Wearing prideful faces in the process,
Allowing the infultration of chaotic diseases,
And not having any doubts of such images.

-J.Cazares

[Tonight.] Resident Evil 5 comes out today. I'm not going to lie I'm really hyped about it. I'm going to go pick up my copy later and tonight me and my boy John are going to play the whole thing online. It's going to be sickkkkkkkkk. True Story.

[Exams.] Both my exams went well. No complaints. I'm really exhausted though. I was up till 5:30 studying, then slept for about an hour. I don't know how I managed to stay awake but I'm ready for a good nights rest.

[Conclusion.] Everything is just right. My book is making progress, I have 13 poems and 1 short story so far. I'm working on it everyday now. It's helping me express myself and also helping me realize things I never thought about before.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

iCreate.

[Intro.] So a few entries ago I stated that I would possibly create a book. I would like you to know that I have in fact started on the creation of this book. It will consist of new and old poetry, a short story, and possibly photography and art from my personal creativity. =D. My friend Michelle said I should definitely do it and she even said she'd buy it so I got one customer so far =). I'm not going to be posting these new poems up because that would defeat the purpose of creating the book -_-, however I will throw in some sneak peeks here and there because I can write all day.

[Exams.] I have two exams tomorrow, one for Political Science, the other for Psychology. I'm not worried about psychology, however, Political Science is going to keep me up all night. I got my red bull in one hand and my textbook in the other. Gotta stay up all night to study for this one. My professor said we can drop one test exam but I figured pass this one with flying colors and then not worry about the next one. Hopefully I get this down packed, I've been told by my past teachers (Gildea, Henderson, Blickstein...etc) that I just have raw talent and studying is a joke. Lol I guess thats a good thing? I recently found out that even though my mom is smart, it was my biological father who was the nerd in school. lol..i guess he left me something useful =). I'm starting to think of another career for my future. I really want to be a guidance counselor. I will probably do that, but now I'm starting to become interested in teaching English. I just want my own classroom and students, to listen to the bright minds of our time express their writing. Maybe I can teach a creative writing class, that would definitely be awesome. Personally I was hoping to create a whole new course. It could be an english elective. It will mix psychology and english. Most high school kids have problems, we all do. So this english class will be personal and it will be a free write of daily emotions. Kind of like the class in Freedom Writers. I would definitely teach this kind of class for the rest of my life.

[Weather.] It is getting gorgeous outside, regardless of the rain. I am loving it like the cheesy McDonald's commercials =D.

[Females.] The most confusing bunch of organisms on this planet. Lol, gotta love em though. I think I got the cold shoulder? lol it's that curse that has always been with me. But hey, a random girl told me I was cute today so it's not like I'm completely mad at myself. Also, I know I'm not the only one but isn't it funny when you get those girls on the bus who whisper about you and make it obvious and then when they get off (which is usually always first) they wave from the window. LOL. Those girls make me laugh, mainly because 1. They are usually underage and just living life and 2. They aren't afraid to do anything. It's just funny.

[Different.] So this new blogging form that I have created is pretty cool huh? lol it's "different." I'm sure some time in the future people will do this, it keeps things organized and by doing this you can keep track of the changing of the subjects. I think it's pretty smart if you ask me. I stole it from Shakespeare, the way he would describe the changing of the scene or the entrance of the characters would always be accompanied by [****]. Love it. Inspiration is key to originality*

[Conclusion.] I miss a lot of my high school friends. And I mean a lot. I also miss Carrie Huggins. Mainly because I have a lot on my mind and I feel like she would know what to say. She should definitely consider counseling, because I am still grateful for the things she has told me. So that's it, shout outs to Audrey for her wonderful Blog =D, to JAM for doing his thing and working hard, to Tiffany because I love her, to Michelle because I look up to her, to David Reyes because he has my RE5 HOLLA!, to John because it's been 9 years and he has remained a loyal friend, and to the class of 2008.

[P.S.] I need topics for my book, if anyone has any suggestions throw them at me and I'll write at the bottom of the poem whom I received the topic from =D.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Poetry Update - March

"I see you in my nightmares"
Lurking from the unknown,
Underneath the depths of darkness,
You've shamed the idea of love.
You slip by like the rain outside these walls,
Blood red and spilling on the floors,
My ears can't stand these sounds.
The drops from the ceiling becoming my enemy,
Tormenting me with the reality of this night,
Of how I can't sleep those eight hours,
How my life must revolve around this,
Of the thick hatred evolving on my lungs,
Battling with my own immunity,
Taking away my very defense for survival.
This is the burden sitting on my shoulders,
The heavy weight of pain breaking my knees,
Shattering my movement at every step,
Moving forward seems impossible.
The fuel that feeds my burning fire gone,
Just an empty canister of what is and what was.
I'm stuck in this twilight zone,
Raging a war of what is real and fake,
I can see the smiles of those outside,
How everyone is just happy and content.
Behind these painted masks is truth,
Of how they are stuck in the same room as me,
With the pain surrounding each thought,
Every blink ending with a falling tear,
A smirk, a smile, a laugh lost in time,
This is another tragedy surfacing the earth.
This black room becomes another home,
The red splashes on the walls glow,
They become the nightlight of my life,
A constant reminder that I reside here,
A permanent resident of sleepless life,
So I no longer see anyone in a nightmare,
Rather they will be splattered on these walls,
Another reminder for myself,
So I'll never forget the real vs. fake.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

[Motive - Rainy day]

March Entry

It's about time right? lol well I'm back on the blog boat and I have much to say, or maybe too little to say? We shall see. First of all lets give it up for Quest Crew for winning season 3 of ABDC. I'm good at picking out these crews, every crew I voted for so far has won ABDC. lol HOLLA!..it's exciting..I may just have to retire my jabbawockee mask and start doing some crazy flips like Quest. They did a good job, definitely shocked me with what they can do.

[School.] My school went on a walkout today. That's basically getting up outta class, walking outside and protesting. The protest was about our tuition next year. It's going up by $600 and everyone is pissed off. Hell, I'm pissed off too, but I didn't participate. I just took pictures of these kids who actually care about their education. It was amazing to see how many people were there, it kind of made me feel like some MLK protest about segregation. This was on a much smaller scale, however, it still had people fighting for what they believe in.

[Development.] I'm starting to master the things I have the biggest interest in. Photography for instance. I am starting to get better at it and I'm almost ready to start printing and selling them. I'm nervous about what some of these gallery owners will say but at the same time I'm kind of excited because I just have faith in my own work. My art has picked up as well. I thought I lost it but recently I started doodling and I actually got better. So now I'm mixing both art and photography and I am trying to get as creative as possible. I'm planning on creating a book. The book will have photography, art, and poetry. It's going to take some time but I think the finished product will be worth it. I'm starting on it soon.

[Females.] Alright, so I've told you guys before that I like this girl. I still do, but now I'm being a little more patient with how I'm approaching it. We shall see how this goes but right now I know as much as you do about where I'm headed with this one. I kind of like how I don't know because I don't have to worry about it as much as if I did. Suspense is good sometimes.

[Jam Young.] Just a shout out to Jam Young. No particular reason. LOL that's just how we roll. I think we gonna have a combined blogging site soon. His rap videos, poetry etc mixed with my poetry and photography. Our own personal JAC-JAM fan site. Not bad right? We work hard for the things we do.

[TIFFANY CHUNG.] This is a shout out because I honestly think Tiffany is one of the greatest people I know. I say this because even with being in different schools I've still found ways to think about her even when I'm not trying. She is just that cool. =D

[Photo Shoots.] I Forgot to mention to my bloggers, if anyone is interested in obtaining a photo shoot don't be hesitant to ask =D. I'd be glad to take pictures of you no matter who you are. Just ask and I'll set up a date.

[Conclusion.] Okay that's about it for this entry. I tried to keep it quick and to the point with some information. The other stuff isn't really important. Ummmm to wrap it up, I'm doing good, healthy, happy, and really yearning for the summer =D. LATAZ.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Questions and Answers =D

Replace my answers with yours and send it back.


1. Who is the first person you think of when someone asks you who you like?

Lol do I have a lifeline for this question? =D

2. Do you drool/talk/etc. in your sleep?

I've been told that I move a lot lol

3. What word do you say the most when your mad?

Ugh!

4. Are you happy?

Yeah yo but things could always be better =D

5. Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?

Lol yeah..what an adventure that was

6. If you were born the opposite gender, what would your parents name you?

Juliana? lol

7. Are you tan?

I'm not dark but not white. lol

8. Hair color?

It depends on the season. lol..brown.

9. Who did you last go to the beach with?

ummmm..wow i dont remember. Maegan, Jacob, Frann?

10. Confused about anything?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. lol

11. Do you have any pets?

Yeah, a cat. Tarzan =D. all black. holla.

12. Do you want to get married?

Yessirrr =D

13. Do your initials spell anything?

J.A.C : motto - JAC of all Trades. lol get it? also J.A.C - just act crazy. =P

14. Last person you fought?

my sister. -_-

15. What's one thing you actually remember about kindergarten?

THAT HOUR BREAK WE GOT TO SLEEP!!!!

16. How do you calm down when your extremely angry?

I walk, vent off, and then finish off with either throwing something or punching something.

17. Where do you want to go vacation-wise?

Italy, Puerto Rico, D.R., Bahamas, Australia...ANYWHERE! lol

18. What are your plans for tonight?

LOL try and sleep >.<

19. Do you prefer to call or text someone?

I like both. Texting is fun but sometimes I get impatient. lol

20. What are you listening to?

Party People - Nelly

21. Are you friends with any of your ex's

Yeah all of them. I try not to have any grudges you know? lol

23. Last movie you watched?

Tropic THunder


24. What are you doing today?

Working in a couple hours.

25. Are you excited for anything?

Yeah! To finish this damn survey haha

26. What are you doing currently?

I'm typing. lol...and the question should be what are you currently doing?

27. Have you ever been given roses?\

I actually got roses! lol..and then they died.

28. Do you have names picked out for your children?

Boy - Ezekiel knicknamed: "Zeek"
Girl - Hunter

29. How many times have you honestly fallen in love?

Once.

30. Have you ever had your heart broken?

5 times. lol yeah i keep count.

31. What's your favorite color?

Purple, Green, and Red.

31. Where do you shop the most?

h&M and Pac Sun.

32. Do you believe in love at first sight?

In movies. lol...other than that there is no such thing.

33. Would you take any of your exes back?

hahahaha..thats a funny one. no there is a reason they became an "ex."

34. At what age did you start noticing the opposite gender?

i had my first crush in kindergarden =D.

35. Are you happy with your love situation?

Lol sike.

36. Do you know someone who likes you?

Yeah.

37. When did you last talk to an ex?

hmmm...abouttt...2 weeks ago.

38. Who is the last person you hugged?

MY CAT! like 2 seconds ago. lol

39. Do you cry over girls/boys?

dependsssss on the situation.

40. Describe yourself in one word?

Creative.

41.
[Chorus:]
Oh!
I'm into you,
And girl,
No one else would do,
'cause with every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I know I can't be the only one,
I bet there heart's all over the world tonight,
With the love of their life who feels..
What I feel when I'm

With you [x5]
Girl..
With you [x5]

[Verse 2]
Oh girl!
I don't want nobody else,
Without you, there's no one left then,
You're like Jordans on Saturday,
I gotta have you and I cannot wait now,
Hey! Little shawty,
Say you care for me,
You know I care for you,
You know...that I'll be true,
You know that I won't lie,
You know that I would try,
To be your everything..yeah..

[Bridge:]
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Girl, you're my all.


42. Do you still have something your ex gave you?

Yeah...the scar is still there...

Mariano For the Save

Iight sooooo I'm backkkkk!...took a lil break but Mariano is on the mound once again. And whoever is lost Mariano River is the closer for the Yankees, cmon guys get ya status up. Iight soooo I can't recap everything that's happened in writing so imma just keep this simple. I'm living a goooood life right now =D, pretty amazing actually. I have so much going on and yet I have control of it all, which is a first. I'm hyped for a lot of things and I no longer have a crappy feeling inside me anymore. LOL WOOO! Shout outs to my man Jonathan Martinez for his hot performance last Friday, he really did a great job. I dont care if he has haters cuz we all do, but that kid has talent and I never doubted that for a minute. I always heard ppl talking mad shizzle about him and this and that and I always said the same thing, "Dont judge. and dont talk bout him in front of me." It's true. I did. lol..and I still would if it happened again.

What else....I passed my first psych exam! lol holla! flying colors yo school is easyyyy. And yooo!! I went to the Bronx Community College campus yesterday to chill with my friend squishy lol..yeah its a knickname..haha well anyways that campus is HUGE! lol and it was cold >.<. But..i learned some math, had a lot of laughs, took some pics that she wont let me upload >.< cuz shes a bum, and I taught her how to flip a coin. LOL whooooooo doesnt know how to flip a coin? ahhaha hay dios mio.

I CANT WAIT FOR BASEBALL SEASON TO START!! LETS GO YANKEES!!! HOLLA.R.

Shout out to K-Cob for that scattegories game over the phone. Lmao i versed her and three of her friends on the phone and beat them all. HAhaaha im a G! lol

Shout out to my class of 08 friends who i saw last friday including my new jersey buddy lorri, who also blogs lol. Who actually came back to following my blog..lol -_-. LOSER. haha

Iiight soooo whats in store for the days to come : I have no idea, just go at it day by day. lol....and thats it!!! Living my life once again, taking flix, chilling and determined. lol thats my motto.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Poetry Update

Roller Coaster Syndrome

We all know that expression,
Everything happens for a reason,
Some people think its false,
But its something i believe in,
There are just things out of our control,
That eventually fall into place,
Somethings last forever,
And others need to erase.
There a few of us who must get hurt,
But its a price we must pay,
For we are helpless romantics,
Who cant find the right way.
From one love to the next,
We must figure out whats real,
Who will gain our love?
And who will seal the deal?
Our lives are infected with a curse,
To attract the bad ones first,
And when we think we found the one,
Events keep getting worse.
But its a necessity in life,
So we can learn from whom we choose,
So we can one day win the right one,
Instead of always lose.
We may get hurt from time to time,
But our scars will no doubt heal,
And we cast out those who inflicted us,
Because of how they made us feel.
How they lied to our faces,
And told us promises they couldnt keep,
How we would imagine that perfect union,
Only to drown in the pain that runs deep.
We hate those who cause this,
But are thankful in the end,
Because now we can eliminate these faces
And no longer live in pretend.

She didnt deserve this fate,
Yet it has now entered her veins,
The poison of a tragic game,
That can hurt someone is so many ways.
I have been there before,
And I know how it can be,
How I felt like such an idiot,
And the only one to blame was me,
But I wish it could've passed you,
Instead you are now a victim,
And I'm sorry it had to be this way,
Because you shouldn't have the roller coaster syndrome.
They surround us everyday,
Those fake people in disguise,
Who make us believe in anything,
Until the truth we realize.
They are not worth the thought,
The worthless enemies to our heart,
And it will one day come back around,
To make sure they are torn apart.
So they can know how it feels,
They will remember that cold night,
When the world they know freezes,
And everything they love is removed from sight.
They will know what its like,
They will feel the same pain,
And when they return once more,
All they will find is the cold icy rain.
The thunder clouds of change,
They will be all alone,
And they will cry themselves to sleep,
Until it infects them to the bone.

I know this ride will one day end,
And the last stop will be for you to decide,
Time will heal this injustice,
And these feelings will no longer collide.
You will smile for real,
And there will be no more ache,
Because this will make you stronger,
And a new start you shall make.
You are better than this curse,
And what a mistake he has made,
Because you are worth the challenges of love,
And he just let that fade.
Thats just one less person to remember,
And you will survive any kind of trial,
Because i believe you have a gift,
And that is the strength of your smile.

Count on me for help,
I will do whatever it is you ask,
And i wont make a promise i cant keep,
Because I'm not hiding behind a dishonest mask.
This is only a phase,
And I know you will get through,
Because everything happens for a reason,
And i know this to be true...

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Patience

I have this anger toward guys who take the good girls for granted. Like what the hell do they not understand that if you have a girl who is just perfect why the hell would you be so selfish and let that go? I can never understand this dilemma. Like it makes us look bad. I've helped a lot of people go through this problem but never have I actually felt the urge to walk up to a stranger, someone i didnt even know, and just punch them straight in the face for being stupid. I guess its because i like her that i feel this way..or maybe its just Im so sick of these idiots that surround us. All i know is that these things happen every day and Im tired of seeing the sweet girls in pain, ESPECIALLY girls like her. I may not have known her for long but if I feel this way so early its for a reason. Like i really want to just hurt the kid who did this to her. She really doesnt show it but I know shes hurt. I want to hug her and tell her everythings okay but I just cant do that yet. Right now what matters most to me is that shes happy and she doesnt have that dumbass in her mind. I'm not gonna stoop down his level and say something to his pathetic self, thats just not my style, however, i swear to anything I love if i find out he does something to her to make her feel worse I will not waste another second. I'm sure every guy will back me up when I say no girl should ever be hurt, and when they are it's our job to be there for them. I've always been that person to help people, and I'm not gonna let her down. Right now I'll be whatever she wants, patience is everything for me..it always has been.

If you do read this than I want you to know that you are better than him in every way and if he made you feel anything less then he's not worth the thought. I'm sorry things went the way they did but in time everything will be better. Your a movie girl remember...the one that every see's who played that role in the movie and find your name. I don't want to see you crushed. Maybe one day I'll change this roller coaster lifestyle...cure that syndrome we were cursed with...

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

First Impression

It was just like I imagined. She was just how I imagined. It's amazing how your mind can put together every aspect of someone and you don't even have to know that much about them. Today I saw her, but it was as if I've seen her my whole life. That girl who I saw from across the lunchroom, or that girl who I would see pass by, even that girl in my favorite movie. I could go on and on about how I couldn't find an imperfection, how this type of girl is truly hard to find. Girls like her are either taken, or single and taken. Guys like me never get that kind of luck, however, maybe..just maybe this time is different. To say the least, it was a good first impression, I just hope it was the same on my behalf. I don't want to push it, but if I look into her eyes I may just go beyond any force.


J.Cazares
*CstarExpress*

Slackerific

Good term for me on this blog. Lol okay so heres the deal, I havent been blogging so much because Ive been EXTREMELY BUSY! I didnt really think people would wanna have their pictures taken by me and it seems like that list keeps getting bigger and bigger which is making me happier and happier and Im just happy all the time with this hyperific feeling of ADRENALINE! WOOOO!! ALSO! I think I'm starting to like a certain someone but I won't say who because if she reads this blog my cover is blown lol..gotta wait for the right time =D...I doubt it will go anywhere but hey..its always fun to hope! So thats it..ive been working, going to school, and taking pictures. The cstar life. The one I've always wanted. Next thing to do...

...tell her how I feel. lol (Dramatic music plays in the background) STILL HYPPPERRRRRR

GAME TIME!

ALRIGHT SO I AM OFFICIALLY THE HAPPIEST KID ON THE PLANET! I decided hey, lemme do something for me for a change. So I went out and bought myself the Canon Rebel XSI 12.2 Megapixel camera which priced in at $758.11. Ridiculous I know, it hurt me more than it did you HOWEVER I will not complain because now I can be adventurous with my photography. I'm really excited to try it out =D like crazy excited. Canon has this motto :"Let the world become your playground." How fly is that? LOL that's my life right now. Lets go.

Poetry Update - Written Form

Living in the Pages

I got lost in a dream that was real,
A surreal vision I could feel,
Abruptly taken from me,
Like a child awakened from sleep-
Scared and Confused,
With wandering eyes trying to comprehend,
Screaming for an answer
Becoming a message I can't send.
Things don't make sense, they never do.
When will they ever go the way that we want them to?

I was in control of the routines in my day,
But chaos intervened and got in my way,
Targeting me for reasons I cannot recall,
I guess I wasn't meant to have it all.
For life can't be kind to kind eyes,
And happiness is just a misleading title,
So I lay here with wandering eyes,
Trying to get through this dark trial.

Trying to connect the missing pieces,
The puzzle of my life remaining unfinished,
This jigsaw world becoming my home,
Causing everything I knew to be diminished.
There's no exit for those who wish to leave,
Bound in this empty room with no oxygen to breathe.

I yearn to break free from this,
Like a fairytale awakening- with a kiss.
But fantasy and life can't be intertwined,
It's meant for the stories read at bedtime.
Those stories that are lies to out minds,
To give us the hope that there's a better side.
So when you fall hard you feel "invincible"
Till it's torn away leaving you "invisible.

That was a long time ago,
Yet I'm still behind closed doors,
Reading chapters of a world I adore,
And how I want to go back once more.
Every book has their final chapter,
And they all end with a happily ever after.
I lay down every night,
Waiting for a new dream to take me away,
For that one girl to awaken my life,
And finish my puzzle the right way.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Poetry Update - Video Link

Click the link below to watch

http://s93.photobucket.com/albums/l58/nyallstar2251/?action=view¤t=CIMG1504.flv

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Glass Half Full

Recently, I've found it harder and harder to sleep but easier to smile. I guess good things dont come so easy, but now I realize that they DO happen. I'm not 100% but then again no one ever is. Last night was a fun night for me. If I calculated correctly I spoke to this girl Jennifer for about 5 hours pretty much about random facts and lots of laughs. I needed that. Haven't had one of those convo's in a long time and it made me realize just how easy laughter can overcome pain.

It's snowing outside. I created a creative technique for when it snows, try this. When you are walking concentrate on the snow so that you can create images in the falling pieces. It's just like looking at clouds but it takes a lot more creativity to make an image before the snow hits the ground. Sooner or later the world will appear as falling snow, no people, no streets and no buildings. Its actually amazing, Im trying to take a picture of what this actually looks like but its not so easy to take pictures with your imagination (new quote?) Well anyway shout out to Tiffany for showing me love this entire week and the previous years as well =D. You're becoming my right hand girl.

P.S. The title of this blog is emphasizing how I'm looking at things in a new perspective. Makes sense now doesnt it? =D

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Phota-holic Era

I'm happy to see thanks to my closest friends that I'm feeling much better, despite the growing problems I've decided its better to live with them now then regret it later. So the title of this blog basically is stating my new line of work, photography. I never thought photography would motivate me so much, hell I never thought I was good at it. Apparently people like my photos, and I want to properly say thank you to everyone who has made a comment about my pictures because it is that reason alone that I am pursuing work in photography. I have scheduled 3 photoshoots so far and I'm speaking with a couple people to help me "expand my horizon." My current job actually taught me a lot about printing and setting photos up so now I'm looking for a place to set up my photos and sell them. The greatest thing so far about this is the reactions I'm getting from people, actually strangers. I love people who love art, and when that art is mine I'm living in a dream world.

Truly feeling like myself again, maybe even more. Ill never forget those people who helped me realize what I can and can't do, because without criticism we all wouldn't know where we fit in. Thanks again.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Thanks

Thanks for listening to me last night, it helped. I don't remember anything that happens throughout the day, I'm officially nocturnal. I sleep only on the train, i don't know whats going on but I haven't slept in my bed for about a week. I guess things are pretty much looking bad but I'd say they could be worse. I'm not gonna sit around and complain about my life because that's just a waste of my precious time. I'd much rather walk the streets at night and taking each night like an adventure with me and my camera. Last night I actually spoke of drama and just vented off, even though I didn't say much I did say what has been bothering me. It felt good.

Tonight I'm getting away from this house and gonna go see a broadway show with the people who keep me distracted from the world.

Tomorrow is gonna be a superbowl which I have no interest in.

Monday is school and I can't wait.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Life Motto

Q: What is the term for creativity beyond the forces of limitation?

A: My Mentality.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Critical Period

For the first time in my life I'm truly scared of the events to come. I don't want to say that lately I've been putting up a front but I have been going through some things that I just want to keep to myself. That may call to question as to why am I talking about it if I'm not going to speak of it, the answer is because as a writer sometimes just venting is the cure for anything. I don't know how to handle the situations that have been brought to my attention. I actually still can't believe this is happening to me. Guess there's no such thing as a steady happiness. I'm scared to one day wake up in an empty house, cold and emotionless. Lately I find myself doing the things I love with the people I love but it isn't enough. It is truly a critical time for me, with mixed emotions and just a feeling falling into this deep pit. Not to mention people judging me for who I am, but I won't let a stupid thing like judgment effect me, those types of people deserve nothing from me. I ask those who care not to give me sympathy, and those who yearn to help to not show me empathy. It's not that I'm a cold hearted person but this is just something I must handle on my own. The future is now my enemy, I'm keeping my hobbies as close as possible hopefully they can shield me from this fate that is bound to happen. I just wish it wouldn't. I wish this would all go away. I may not blog as much, but I won't give up either. I'm not prepared to throw everything away even if the things I love are being taken from me. I am here, I have power, and I will try. I face hard times but I guess that's just growing up. I never expected it to be this bad though, sometimes I wish people could one day understand that little fights and games mean nothing when the big drama comes in. I hope for those who still live in their fantasy lands of ignorance and close minds will soon enter reality and understand that we do have to grow up, at least most of us. I know it's hard to try and understand my feelings because you don't know what is going on in my life but I do not wish to share this information. It's a way of safeguarding myself. Let's see if I can look in the mirror and tell myself I'm bound to be successful. Many of my close friends and family believe I have what it takes but when I look around at all that I have I see nothing. I'm destined for a path in which I have to make a choice. I hope this won't be now because I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision. I'm aiming for great but I'm being weighed down by loss. I want to find the person who said "things get harder before they get better" so I can spit in their face. You cursed me into a life that will ALWAYS get harder.

P.S.- I love the both of you.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

A New Era

I've finally come to the conclusion that I NEED to pursue more. I don't know what it is but I feel like I can do so much more in life. I'm building a plan for a new company that I have yet to find a name for. The company is going to be involved with schools around New York (just for the start hopefully it will expand) and it will be primarily about Art. I feel like art is losing it's touch on people. I know there are plenty of artists but everyone is freelancing and we need a joint operation. This company will be based on the idea that visually schools need to be more lively. I want to put up some really nice artwork on school walls and even on the schools themselves. We could set up photographers on one side to take professional shots of the school in "real time" and then artists can draw and be creative. Why is artwork only limited to galleries? Art needs to be seen, it needs to be around people. If I walk through another grey hallway Im going to run into staples, grab a paint bucket, and throw it everywhere! Im serious. I really want to do this and I'm sure it will happen someday.

Since we are speaking about art I have some new photography to show the world =D. Enjoy


















P.S. - This coming February I will be framing and selling my photographs, a little excited and scared at the same time. =D

Poetry Update

Shatter

Remember this moment
As the curtain falls from the sky,
Memorize my reaction
So you'll never wonder why,
Why this ran so far deep
Past the skin on your wrist,
Why the words cause you pain
As i begin telling you this,
The perfect world you knew
Ceases to spin,
The fantasy life you had
You are no longer in,
The smile you used to have
Removed from your face,
The sparkle you had in your eyes
Isn't in its place,
You just wouldnt listen
As i gave you wise advice,
You couldn't understand
Every consequence has a price,
Look at you now
Your choices brought you pain,
Check your mirror now
And watch your eyes spill out rain,
Try to revive yourself now
After you've flatlined your heart,
Get yourself out of your grave
If you think you're so smart,
Lets see that pretty face
Become happy once more,
Lets see that fake smile
That everyone adores,
Play those childish games
That have outdated age itself,
Laugh about the world
After looking at yourself,
Your just another beautiful photo
Developed and complete,
Time has made you black and white
Crumpled on the street,
So much time wasted
Trying to show you a better way,
So many days lost
Attempting to make you stay,
The shadows have taken you now
A captive of dark nights,
There are no more sunny days
No more flashing lights,
My beautiful reflection
You were like me in every way,
Now a shattered image
That wont see the light of day.
Remember this baby
Cause you wont hear that again,
Remember this my love
Because you wont even be a friend,
The flight has taken off
Departed for a better side,
Im in the first class section
While I wave to you goodbye,
I'll remember this forever
The day i finally got a break,
Ill forget your face in time
Because theres nothing left to take,
No more visits from me
Just close the door shut,
No more games for me
Im the player who finally got cut,
Im free from the scars
They faded in the skin,
Im free from the pain
It no longer resides within,
You are the memories
Lost within my mind,
A shattered thought
One i'll leave behind.

J.Cazares
CstarExpress

The "Other" Concept

I'm in love with my new classes, especially my english one. I know I'm going to have a good time because I finally have an english teacher who I can actually relate material to. She's young with a pretty face and soft voice, short blonde hair and a very nice modern style but her physical self isn't what stands out, it's what she has to say. Today was the intro to the class, just hand out a syllabus and everyone sits and looks around at the new faces to see who looks "good." My eyes didn't wander like the rest, I wanted to hear what this class had to offer.

My professor has come up with a theme for this semester. Everything she will be teaching will be based on the idea of the "other" concept. Basically, everything that we read we can connect to another person, HOW is the question and that is what we will be analyzing. I love this theme. This is like creative writing with a twist. I thought about the theme and immediately began writing lines in my head about the "other" and how we can connect. I began to think of Unity. About the 6 degree of separation. So many thoughts ran in my head and despite the noise of the classroom I saw the future of my semester in a glowing light.


Heres a quick poem I wrote after hearing about this whole "other" concept:

I walk through the open fields of the world. Through the complex streets surrounded by the diverse faces. Each person displaying their own genetic code. Male and female alike walking side by side while I stand and look up in the sky. I look back on the horizon and see the unity within the city line. How one building resembles another in structure, connected to how one's motives can be similar to another. One child can cry the same as another but no fingertip could ever be the same. The senses we possess group us in common but how well we use them separates us forever. How Einstein was able to develop incredible mathematical concepts only for psychologists to find out years later he had a bigger brain. We are connected through innovation. Different ideas of life brought together by one power of living. I walk through the open fields of the world, and though I see a different face at every corner I feel the lines that tie us together.

-J.Cazares
CstarExpress

Flashing Lights

It's true what they say, "you don't know your real friends until after high school." I look back at my yearbook and only a few can fit under this title. I hung out with my sis and her bf last night, nothing new. Having fun and chilling but last night was different in the sense that JAM YOUNG aka Jonathan Martinez joined us. It turned out to be a fun night, it was like enjoying days in rfk in a college environment. Damn time flies. With time goes age and we gotta keep up. It was an interesting night, from meeting a long lost rfk member to having a free round of shots on the house. Thats just how we roll. Nothing has changed. In high school JAM was my PIC, when we graduated he became my brother.

Heres a couple pictures to wrap it up, I'd write more but I gotta get ready for school!